When it Hurts So Good
Self-Sabotage, Old Stories and How to Break Free
"If you're looking for proof that you’re not enough, you will always find it." - Brene Brown
"Are you looking to feel hurt, or is there a real problem?" he asked me. I felt affronted, but his words were effective and I paused. Well, was I? Why would I do that? That seems stupid. But it also rang clear and true. I was looking to feel hurt in a way and that both appalled me and peaked my curiosity. What a terrible thing to seek! This past weekend with my sister, we discussed this as well and then in a later conversation where we were sorting through some uncomfortable feelings, I noticed it again. There I was trotting out old emotions as proof of some same old story. No one loves me / I don't deserve love / It doesn't matter what I do - people aren't there for me / Don't get too close - people always abandon/disappoint/fail you. Whoa. I once asked my therapist about this and said, "Isn't this over?" and she laughed and remarked it's like an onion, we peel layers and layers away, but there's always more. And the process of peeling, the journey, the effort, that is the marrow of life itself. Not in having no more layers to peel.
Recently, I’ve found myself bringing up Pema Chodron's book "Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears." In it, Pema Chödrön discusses the concept of samskaras, which are deep-seated habitual patterns that influence our behavior and reactions. Chödrön explains that samskaras are like grooves in the mind, created by repeated thoughts and actions over time. These patterns can cause us to react in automatic, often unhelpful ways, perpetuating cycles of suffering - that sounds awfully akin to these old stories I mention above. If you've ever seen a snow-covered hillside, you'll know there are places where rocks or snowballs roll down, forming channels or grooves in the fresh snow. When another rock rolls down, it's likely to pause at that turn off and head down the same way, deepening the channel. That is exactly what we do with experiences - unpleasant or uncertain experiences tend to roll down those same pathways - confirming our feelings of worthlessness or hurt.
The Roots of Self-Sabotage
From a young age, we start crafting narratives about ourselves based on our interactions and experiences. With limited tools and resources we begin to interact (and have life interact with us) and we interpret these events. We learn from others (and tell ourselves) positive stories - I am athletic, I am smart, I am funny, I am social. Conversely, a parent raises their voice in frustration and we tell ourselves we are inherently bad. We don't get invited to a birthday party for our grade school friend, we tell ourselves - I am not cool enough. One parent leaves the family, we are clearly not worthy of love. We are sexually assaulted, we deserved it in a way, didn't we? Our young brains create stories about who, how and why things occur to us in order to orient ourselves in the world. These stories can be further influenced by the adults and peers around us. If you were repeatedly told or made to feel that you were not good enough, too much work, or incapable, these beliefs could embed themselves in your subconscious. Some of us simply learn to do it ourselves. While the positive and negative narratives we build as children strongly shape who we think we are and how we interact in our adult lives, we almost never go back to assess these stories with our adult minds and consider rewriting them.
Why We Seek Hurt:
Have you ever poked a bruise to confirm how much it still hurts? Pushed a sore tooth with your tongue and yelped back in surprise, even though you know it hurts? Picked a scab only to have to stop the blood flow again? Stood on an ankle you've twisted to confirm that you still cannot put weight on it even though it's only 5 minutes since you last checked? The physical ways in which we can seek pain are easier to see than the emotional ways, but the same concepts. We seek hurt for:
Familiarity: Our brains are wired to favor the familiar (even if it’s awful). If pain and rejection were common themes in your stories, your brain might seek these feelings as a twisted form of comfort. This is why we often choose the same pattern of partners (that often can mirror a parent).
Confirmation Bias: We subconsciously seek out evidence that supports our existing beliefs. If you believe you are unlovable, you might gravitate towards relationships that reinforce this notion. Uncertain situations breed anxiety - we know the exact dimensions of the places that hurt inside us - it may be a little prison we place ourselves in, but we know how high, deep and wide the space is. We know how it feels and we know how long we can stay in it. We also know we will never be challenged inside of it - that place is safe even if it's awful.
Control: Sometimes, seeking hurt gives us a sense of control. If we expect rejection and it happens, it feels like we were right, which paradoxically gives us a sense of power over the situation. Control and certainty can make us feel like we’re in the driver’s seat even if it’s in a car we continue to crash. We may be hurt, but at least we are right, we knew it, we called it, and here we are again.
Avoiding Disappointment / Self Protection: By assuming the worst, you protect yourself from potential disappointment. If you already believe you are unworthy, negative outcomes are less surprising and therefore less painful. We live our lives constantly braced for the negative or avoiding interactions all together in an effort to avoid the sting of any possible pain.
We often feel : Better the hell I know than the heaven I’m not sure even exists.
The Unlove Conundrum
Feeling unlovable is perhaps one of the most painful narratives we can carry. It affects our relationships, self-esteem, and overall happiness. Yet, many of us seek situations that confirm this feeling. It's as satisfying in a way as picking a scab, biting your nails or poking a bruise. If you believe you are unlovable, you might avoid deep connections to protect yourself from the pain of potential rejection. Engaging with people who don't appreciate you can reinforce the belief that you are unlovable, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. These negative affirmations impact every single area of our lives - who we marry (or don't), our career options, how we present ourselves to the world, our friendships, our self-care, our health and more. You wouldn't believe a child's account as pure truth on almost anything. If you asked a 5 year old to explain the events of 9/11 in the United States or to explain complex political or social situations you would probably take it with many grains of salt. Yet, we hold our own childhood narratives without so much as a second glance.
Breaking the Cycle
The good news is that you are an adult now and you can change these patterns. If you wrote the story, you can edit and rewrite it too. Taking ownership of your feelings and the subconscious pathways they channel down is within your power. Fair warning, breaking the cycle of old stories can be excruciating - letting go of old hurts can result in removing excuses you've created for staying in the same job you hate, suffering in a relationship, or struggling with money. With new power comes accountability - and while that can be a tough pill to swallow, it opens our entire life up to growth. Here are some steps to help you break free:
Awareness: The first step to change is recognizing these behaviors. Reflect on your past and identify the narratives you’ve been telling yourself. Write out your ‘stories’.
Challenge Your Beliefs: Once you're aware of these stories, actively challenge them. Ask yourself if they are truly valid or just remnants of your past.
What if this isn't true?
What is it serving me to tell this story?
What are other possible reasons for it?
Reframe Your Narrative: Start creating a new, positive narrative about yourself. Focus on your strengths and achievements, no matter how small they may seem.
Seek Support: Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in addressing deep-seated beliefs and developing healthier thought patterns. Surround yourself with supportive, positive people who uplift you.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that everyone has flaws and makes mistakes, and this doesn’t define your worth or lovability.
Moving Forward
Rewriting the narratives we've held since childhood is not an easy task, but it's possible. By understanding why we seek hurt, worthlessness, and unlove, we can take active steps to break free from these patterns. Embrace your journey with patience and self-love, and remember that you are deserving of happiness and fulfillment. Your past does not have to dictate your future. You have the power to change your story and create a life where you feel valued, worthy, and deeply loved. I am pushing myself to continue to challenge some old stories and to use self-love and the love of others to backfill the old grooves of hurt I’ve kept since childhood. I’d love to hear your experiences with this too - is it familiar? Have you found any tools that work well for you? Drop a comment below!
